Changes/Friendship/Me

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mental mirror and asked, "What happened to me?" Well perhaps not. But I have. There was a point in my life when I was almost always happy, smiling, had not really a care in the world. What others said did not offend me, and I was a pretty happy-go-lucky person. Sometimes that person still manifests himself in me, but not as often as I would like. What went wrong? I dunno. I'll be sorting that out for myself. I'd have to say that the most difficult time in my life was when I lived in a small town called Warden, WA.

"A short version of the Warden story"

2 weeks before my freshmen year in Colville, WA, my father came into my room on a friday and told me that I needed to pack my things cause we were moving on monday. I knew we were looking at moving but did not expect it to happen like this. I had lived in Colville since the 3rd grade, I had friends there, I was going to soon be the drummer for the HS Jazz band, I really liked the way my life was going, but how are you going to argue that case to your parents. Oh yeah one more important thing. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone that I was leaving. Long story behind that part but it made it all that much harder.

I remember the first day of school in Warden kind of like a movie. I walked into the Gym and a group of kids all started to chant and tease me. they threw papers at me, My older sister, not long after became a thriving part of that little club. Needless to say I had entered school at day 1 and had been labelled an outcast. I also knew that I had to endure 4 years of that. After a "wonderful" first week at school I went to church. I loved to go to church and always took the assignments I recieved with lots of zeal and duty. That first sunday in that new ward I was greeted by the faces of a great many of the hecklers from school that week. Lets just say that I was a bit overwhelmed. Soon after I was called at church to be the Teachers Quorum president. That did not help any. I think of the 14 or so teachers that there were I set up the sacrament every sunday. On church activity nights all they did was play basketball. So i stayed outside and rode my skateboard, while dodging the cars of the older kids who could drive that were trying to run me over. (my sister's friends) I never went inactive... I just did my duty and kept to myself.

Finally by my Jr year the heckling had turned a but violent. I did gain the trust of a few people that had been labelled as outcasts too. On a few occasions cars would be following me from school or church activities and I knew that it was a group of these people that were probably drinking and had it in their mind to harm me. On a few occasions they succeded, but most of the time I lost them. Halfway through my Jr year I just could not tolerate it any longer. I decided to apply to the running start program. In WA it is a program that allows HS students to go to college early and the credits count for HS and college. So I took the college entrance exams and passed. The next 1.5 years went a lot smoother. I worked full time and went to college full time. I was welcomed by almost everyone I met at college. I felt like it was therapy. Yeah I was a lot younger than most of them but they were great. I really did enjoy my time there. I think that is what saved my attitude for my church mission. I had grown quite bitter towards all of the people in Warden save a few. It helped me to see that not everyone is mean like that. To this day I have a real problem with people who are not accepting of others.

My misson only made me better. I like to think of it as Deep Therapy. I really needed it. I threw myself at my mission with all I had inside and the Lord magnified it 1000 times. I can truly say my mission was one of the truly satisfying times in my life.

Since my misson I have had a lot of ups and downs. I have found myself at times surrounded by people whose attitudes bring out that undesireable side of me. It tends to be people who are really negative or pessimistic and it snaps me back into what I would call a "Warden" mode. One of these people happens to be my sister. She and her husband and kids have just recently moved to Provo, UT. I hope and pray she can accept the people there. I had a hard time with her here. We lived 30 minutes from each other in the city and in 3 years she has come to see me on 3 occasions. We just have this inability to be close. I tried to see her at least 1-2 times per month, sometimes just popping in to say hi but I just feel a negative vibe being around her so it made it very difficult. Another group were the people I worked with at Wachter Network, my last job. I was with them for 3 years. I am glad to not be there anymore. Even though life is harder now I feel less of a negative drain on me.

If you are reading this you are probably one of the only friends I have ever had. All I ask is please be patient with me. My friend "skills" are a bit lackluster. I envy those people who grew up with a group of friends, either in school, or college. I had truly very few. I really have a hard time making friends, so for your friendship I am truly thankful.


Rant over...........